Life is ongoing........
Well..it's been awhile since I updated...sorry about that...I just have been dealing with shit that I don't know how to deal with...
My mom is dying. We took her off life support of Friday. Well, I thought they did. Apparently, they just took her off of the vent. They continued her treatments, as in, blood thinners, antibiotics and the like...Which is definatley something she wouldn't want. Saturday, they did end up taking everything else off, when my sister brought in her DNR. But, she's still hanging in...They have her on a continuous morphine drip, to keep her out, and comfortable..Her diagnosis was cancer. Adrenal, and lung. The cancer is so bad, there is no treatment. And even if there was, my mother wouldn't take it.
I am sad. Of course. I have talked about this before...so I won't go over it again, but..It's true. Im sad..Im sad that she has to die this way...I am sad that my sister is having to do this by herself. Could I make it easier for her? Yes, I probably could. I could be there with her..supporting her...But, Im here..being me. Am I selfish?..probably...Am I scared? Hell yeah...I don't want to see my mother that way...I don't want my last memories of her to be in a hospital bed, dying...I refused to watch my dad, why would I choose to watch my mother? It probably makes me an awful person, but my decision is to NOT see her this way...And, I never regreted it with my dad, Im sure I won't with her, either...I made the mistake of talking to my dad on the phone before he died, because he was in and out...It was awful...my mother is not in and out, she is totally out...So, I don't have to worry about hearing her, and remembering that as my last memory...I have decided this is the way it has to be for me, and that's all I can say..
My sister, on the other hand...Well...she's holding it together, because she has to. She will move down here to be with me when it's all over...Which I am happy about, I guess...I have been without any of my family members around for so long, that it will be hard to adjust..but she's a big girl, and she will start a new life for herself...Which will be good for her...
And that about sums it up...I don't have any thing good to say...I haven't been commenting on your blogs, which, Im sorry...I will get back in the groove...once I get out of this funk....Cuz, I will..that's how I am...aren't I lucky?...and yes, that WAS sarcastic...
Anyways...I don't want to be a total downer, so I will sign off for now...I will be back again, when I am feeling a little better...Take care..
Kirsten
My mom is dying. We took her off life support of Friday. Well, I thought they did. Apparently, they just took her off of the vent. They continued her treatments, as in, blood thinners, antibiotics and the like...Which is definatley something she wouldn't want. Saturday, they did end up taking everything else off, when my sister brought in her DNR. But, she's still hanging in...They have her on a continuous morphine drip, to keep her out, and comfortable..Her diagnosis was cancer. Adrenal, and lung. The cancer is so bad, there is no treatment. And even if there was, my mother wouldn't take it.
I am sad. Of course. I have talked about this before...so I won't go over it again, but..It's true. Im sad..Im sad that she has to die this way...I am sad that my sister is having to do this by herself. Could I make it easier for her? Yes, I probably could. I could be there with her..supporting her...But, Im here..being me. Am I selfish?..probably...Am I scared? Hell yeah...I don't want to see my mother that way...I don't want my last memories of her to be in a hospital bed, dying...I refused to watch my dad, why would I choose to watch my mother? It probably makes me an awful person, but my decision is to NOT see her this way...And, I never regreted it with my dad, Im sure I won't with her, either...I made the mistake of talking to my dad on the phone before he died, because he was in and out...It was awful...my mother is not in and out, she is totally out...So, I don't have to worry about hearing her, and remembering that as my last memory...I have decided this is the way it has to be for me, and that's all I can say..
My sister, on the other hand...Well...she's holding it together, because she has to. She will move down here to be with me when it's all over...Which I am happy about, I guess...I have been without any of my family members around for so long, that it will be hard to adjust..but she's a big girl, and she will start a new life for herself...Which will be good for her...
And that about sums it up...I don't have any thing good to say...I haven't been commenting on your blogs, which, Im sorry...I will get back in the groove...once I get out of this funk....Cuz, I will..that's how I am...aren't I lucky?...and yes, that WAS sarcastic...
Anyways...I don't want to be a total downer, so I will sign off for now...I will be back again, when I am feeling a little better...Take care..
Kirsten
posted by Kirsten at 10:29 AM
Kirsten,
I'm so sorry to read this. It seems like I could feel what you're feeling. My mother is not too far behind. The most painful part is the worse it gets the more she distances us from her. She doesn't want anyone to see her so sick and hurting.
Anyway, I prayed for mercy and peace for you, your mom and family.
-C
thanks chuck...I really do appreciate the kind words..It makes a difference..
Kirsten
kirsten,
it is never easy knowing that someone is going to die, regardless of who they might be. i can totally understand your feelings about "your last memory". we all deal with these thing differently, so do not think that you are a bad person for wanting your memories to be of living and not dying. if your mom is in an induced comma, she will never know if you are there or not, but you will always know and that is a memory that you choose not to carry. i agree! it is very good that you know yourself well enough to know what you can and cannot carry in life.
i wish you peace and comfort in your time and please stop worrying about this place. take time for yourself and spend time in the comfort of the family that is living under your own roof. i will repeat.... give your dude and your children a big hug and a kiss and tell THEM how much you love them.
awww....hun, I am so sorry. And I definitely agree with mgc- it does not make you a bad person. I would struggle with the same thing, and I don't know if I would want to see my mom like that either. Hang in there...we are all here for you!!
Love you!!
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. We all deal with grief differently, so give yourself space to grieve however you need to. Your sister should understand.
Take care of yourself.
Helen.
mgc, thanks...you really do get it...and yeah...I will hug my dude and kids...they are what keeps me going...
ash...thanks hun...love ya too
Helen...thanks...and she does understand...thank goodness...
Thanks all of you....I appreciate your words more than I can say
Kirsten
I am so sorry that I havent been to visit for a while.
Remember your mom for the best times.
I am not sure i could cope with the whole hospital, coma, situation either so dont beat yourself up over that.
Love and blessings