Happy Birthday Daddy

Well...today is a hard one for me....My dad should've been 75 years old today. But, he passed away June 11, 1996...four days before my wedding anniversary, and the weekend before Father's Day....And that sucks...so this post is for him.

Hey dad...you've been gone almost 10 years now. And today is a day, like many others, that I have been thinkin about ya....I knew that it would get better as time went by..but when I stop, for that brief second....I forget...you're no longer here...and I know that you're somewhere...up there....watching over me. And then I worry...are you disappointed??? Do you understand why it has come to the point that I can know longer honor my mother, as the bible says too....Do you know that after you left, she became a bitter mean woman who lived to make our lives miserable??? I know that I said this post is for you...but it's for me too....I remember the months leading up to your last birthday here on earth...you were soooo sick...the cancer ravaged not only your body, but also your mind. You were so hurtful to everyone around you, and we didn't understand...I understand now. Too late, I know that....but its the best I have. I didn't realize the cancer in your liver and colon would take a toll on your mind, too....and for that, I'm sorry. I should have understood your sickness better, been more grown up about it. But you were my daddy, and I didn't know....how mean you could get...to not only me, but my children my sisters, and my mother....My kids were too young to understand why grandpa always yelled at everyone...Hell, I didn't, how could they???
I do, now. And the kids don't remember how mean you got, thankfully, they were just six and four...the sad thing is, they don't remember you at all...except thru me.
They will never know how it was growing up with you....I thought you were the man....we were so close...everyone knew I was the "daddy's little girl". My sisters and my mother never understood that...
I remember going to the home you grew up in, and fishin behind the house...You teaching me to drive...even the city bus up north...god, if they had ever found out, the trouble...lol...well...luckily we were never busted....Too this day, I remember you telling me to pretend there was a raw egg under the gas pedal and that when I hit the gas, to always go steady, not to stomp, or I'd break the egg...Too funny, as I am teaching your granddaughter the very same thing...Watch that egg, now...steady...steady...very good!!!! LOL...I remember when we moved to Florida, you and I drove the uhaul and Erika and mom drove the car...I would light your cigarettes for you or give you a pepp-o-mint life saver....That was one of my fondest memories....
I miss ya daddy...I really do....and not for nothing, I wish to God, you were still here....nothing is the same without you.....And sometimes I wonder how our lives would be if you were still here...but that will never be....and I know now, that to wish you back, would mean for you to be back in pain...and that is something I never want you to go thru again.
So, on this day...the day I remember so well...when others would always forget...I just want to say Happy Birthday daddy....and I still love you....I still miss you...and I know that will never go away. The one thing I DO wish is that you watch over my family....and understand why I have to be the way I am with my mother....I'm sorry...it's just the way it has to be....Please forgive me....and please know that I think of you often....and hope you are at peace. And also, I hope you have made peace with your son.....my brother...who is with you now....
I love ya
Your Punkin Head...