So, first let me start out with thanking MSDEMMIE for being there for me when I dumped my problems on her out of the blue....You were sooo good to me, just being there was helpful when I needed someone...Again, thanks are never enough, but that's all I have, and I am soooo thankful...thank you again...
Now, let me just say that I had drama...and I hate drama...my sister, who lives in Indiana, with my mom called me last Sunday, saying our mom was in the hospital...something about the stent in her leg was blocked, and she had fluid around her heart, that needed to be removed...
Well, then sis calls me on Monday, crying saying that they found a large mass on mom's adrenal glands and that the fluid around her heart was blood, and that the chances of having cancer where high, and that at that point it looked really bad for her...but we would have to wait at least 48 hrs for all the tests to come back...
Well...here it is Saturday...sis calls last nite...moms home, and the tests all came back fine...WHATEVER!!!!
I don't know..I know I have never posted much about my "real" family...the reason behind that is simple...my "real" family sucks...I don't get along with my mother, at all...I mean, I can talk to her, and she writes now and then, but there are alot of issues with us...I don't even know where to begin when it comes to her...I was closest with my dad, and my sis was closest with our mom...when my dad died, things were really hard for me...my mother ended up coming to live w/ me, and my sister decided after thirteen years of marriage and two kids that she is a lesbian and left them all and moved to indian with her girlfriend...at the time, her kids were still pretty young, and their dad was a piece of shit...so, I had issues with that...not that she's a lesbian...I mean, to each his own..but to leave your kids with that father??? yeah...big problem...but I had three young kids of my own, and I had never been close to them, as they lived out of state...anyways..Im rambling...sorry...well, while my mom was with me, she was a BITCH!!! screaming at my kids when I wasn't around, belittleing my husband every chance she got...when I started daydreaming about lacing her coffee with a bottle of her prescription medication, I knew it was time for her to go...It was hell...And, I'm not joking either...I really planned it...her death...now, what kind of person does that make me??? I knew if she didn't get out of my house, she would either literally die, or my marriage would end...She made my husband and kids miserable..how could I let her do that to my family?? how could SHE do this to my family....anyways...that was ten years ago, and after burning pretty much all her bridges, as in alienating herself from all my family members, she landed with my sister in Indiana...and they have been together ever since...ten years now...We, me and my sister, have pretty much mended fences....and as for my mom...We talk..it's always gaurded...like we are strangers...she has written letters to me over the years....disowning me, telling me I was a useless kid...she wished she'd had an abortion...pretty much that kind of stuff...then letters would follow, saying she didn't mean it...she is just stressed out, she doesn't have a life, and that its all my dad's fault, for dying on her...yeah, she's a definate whack job...certifiable...and she is on medication, so, she's gotten better..its just I can't get past it....
Then this past week...all I could think about was, how inconvenient it was for her to get sick now...school is starting, and I haven't gone clothes shopping yet..if she dies, I won't go up there...so MSDemmie, that was what I was struggling with..that feeling of why me?? how selfish I was feeling, and angry at my sister for even bothering me with this...and then, feeling sad, cuz I don't want her to die...I don't want her with me, but I don't want her to die...I don't know if any of this even makes any sense...I probably sound like such an asshole, and a complete ogre of a daughter...I don't know how to deal with this stuff, and I don't know if I even WANT to deal with it...then when they said she was home, I thought...god, why??? I think I was disappointed that she DIDN'T die...god, I AM an awful daughter...
I probably shouldn't even be writing this stuff, anyone who reads this will probably think I am just this awful excuse for a human being...but if I don't get it out, I will just SCREAM!!! I don't know what to do with these feelings, and yeah, counseling is always good, but again, no insurance, so, I have to again do all this on my own....
Anyways, I think I have said enough...I hope I haven't lost any of my blogger buddies over what a terrible person I am...I can't help how I feel, right?? I will be fine...
Just me
